Last minute jitters

Stanford is due tomorrow which means I’m pretty much freaking out and nearly hyperventilating. I needed to take a little cry break on Joe’s shoulder even. Crying is fine, because I haven’t cried in a while. It wasn’t even a good cry though, just a little mopeyness.

I didn’t know what this one would feel like, but it is really nerve wracking. Last week when I submitted MIT, I wasn’t stressed. I put my best foot forward and am happy with how it turned out. But with Stanford, I want to have it just perfect which is impossible because I don’t know what perfection is even if it exists. I’ve just got to put all I can into it and hope for the best, but it also feels like I should be able to do more. It’s an overwhelming feeling of just not being good enough, which is lame.

I briefly considered listing one of my old Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen fan site awards on the “Awards and Honors” section, because I really don’t have anything else. And, while I am legitimately proud of them because I was young and taught myself how to code HTML, I don’t want them to think I’m making light of the application. It’s also kind of pathetic if my only award is from 2001 so I left it off.

I’m going to go to sleep, get a great night of rest, and wake up early tomorrow to put together all the final touches. My essays are done (except one for a fellowship), 90% of the application itself is done, I just need to read through everything 10 more times probably. But, mmmrrrahhhhhhhhh

I make lists. Here is one of things I am stressed out about.

Things I am stressed out about

  1. Money
    • Lack of it. Especially around Christmas time. Plus, I went shopping this weekend and maybe shouldn’t have. But it was fun and good retail therapy while the high lasted. Now I just have the guilt. I’ll return the shoes most likely. The sweater is really cute.
  2. Work
    • Not busy enough. Things were better last week and are hopefully good this week, but still. Sometimes I’ll read a tweet about a company I’m interested in out in San Francisco and I’m mad that I’m stuck here in MN. But, not really mad because I know I will get to leave as soon as Joe is done with school and I’m being a supportive girlfriend.
  3. The party
    • Cleaning. This house isn’t like, bad, but just the typical stuff like vacuuming and what not before people come over. And I kind of want to do laundry, but I bet people that are coming over for our birthday party won’t care if there are dirty clothes in the hamper.
    • Shopping for supplies. Both food and drinks. And figuring out the deets on how I want to decorate. I have most of the stuff figured out and I know what I’m going to get and what not, but this week is a busy week for Joe (I just found out he has a paper due Saturday night… how stupid is that?) so I’m left to do most of the stuff on my own. Like shopping.
  4. Writing
    • I’m super far behind on NaNoWriMo
    • I have stuff to do for my memoir class too, which isn’t until later this week but I’m still allowing myself to be stressed about it
  5. My weight
    • I’ve been feeling like a fatty lately
    • My weight isn’t up, but I just am not as muscular as I once was. I should be working out more, but a gym membership costs money and I’m probably too lazy to do it anyway
  6. Losing stuff
    • I can’t find my skewers. It isn’t a huge deal and I can just go buy some more at Target, but where the heck did they go? I’ve checked seriously everywhere.
    • I also can’t find my glow sticks. I’m less concerned about this one because I wasn’t sure if I had kept them anyway, but now instead of inserting awesome glow sticks into self-blown balloons, I’ll probably just get a couple dozen helium balloons. Except, those cost money.
    • While I was down in my storage unit looking for skewers and sticks and bringing back down Halloween decorations, I found a box that something had spilled all over inside of. The box was filled with cards and memorable newspapers, and pictures too. Not to mention my Mary-Kate and Ashley video games and dolls. Those have more or less survived though, thank god.
  7. Watching too much TV
    • I got rid of my TV for a reason, and things were fine then. No, that is a lie, things weren’t necessarily better but at least I didn’t have a TV. Now I watch TV and I’m having a hard time figuring how much is normal and how much is the line of me turning into a sack of potatoes.

Making lists makes me feel better. I will stop crying now.