How far we come

When I was looking through old emails for my Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen fan site, I stumbled upon something I wrote in 2003. I was emo at the time to say the least, and suicidal if we prefer a more blunt approach. Here is the un-edited version of my thoughts on a lonely night in January, eleven years ago. It is complete with spelling errors for your amusement (WARNING: you will need the laugh).

I’m so scared right now. i am shaking.  I am grasping for air.  i dont want to die. but sometimes i think i do, and i am scared that if i think i do, i might try, when deep down i really dont want to. what happens when i do try, and then i change my mind? what happens when my mind desides to change, when it is already to late? is 10:58 right now, but what if i dont live till tomarrow? what if my mind desides to over come what i really feel deep down? what if i go down to the kitchen and get the knife? my life could end in an instant.. but yet i know i dont want it too. i think, how could i be so selfish, to want to take my own life? when all day i try to stop other people from making the same mistake. Then i start to think about what happens after. Who crys? who forgets me? Who moves on? Who doesnt?  Whats wrong with being different? we go through life with people teaching us we can be who ever we want, when really we have to be who everyone else wants us to be.

Besides the obvious desire to give my middle-school self some screen time, I’ve posted this for a reason. I’ve posted it because it is important to know and understand where we all come from. Earlier this week I was accepted to Yale with nearly a full scholarship. I wonder what that girl, the one who was so, so sad, would say about who I am today.

I find this thought comforting for a few reasons. First, it reminds me that nothing is forever; everything changes. It means I can’t get too held up in the moment because soon it will be over and I’ll have moved on. Second, it’s okay that sometimes I’m a sad-cat, and even that I used to be an extremely sad-cat. I’m still super strong and can accomplish a lot. Or so Yale thinks ;) Lastly, it means it gets better. Highs and lows evolve. This week I’m stressed out about all the other decisions coming in… but this time next year I’ll be somewhere else… and that somewhere is still a mystery. My “low” today is a hellofa lot better than it was then, for which I am thankful :)

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One thought on “How far we come

  1. Just so you know , I don’t think anyone survives adolescents and prepubescence I know you cannot judge your inside based on everyone else’s outside. I truly do not know one person that had a lovely uneventful pleasant coming-of-age period. I’m sure that doesn’t make you feel better but at least you know that it’s not just you everyone is insane at that point in their life. I knew that you were suffering but I did not have a clue of what to do so had to drag it to the psychiatrist and I don’t know if that helped or made it worse but it sure hurt me seeing you in so much pain knowing that there’s nothing I could’ve said or done to make it go away how hurt you were but I knew you’d grow out of it and you did quite beautifully I might add. It was a rough time for our family honey there were times I would call my girlfriends on the phone just crying saying I don’t know who this person is what happened to my baby girl. I also remember getting so frustrated I would try to physically attack you and that wasn’t something that I did often or ever but boy did I want to pound you into a grease spot when you were like 1314 but I knew it wood pass and it did. I really love you and I’m very happy that you did have enough sense to know that it would pass and to not off yourself because yeah I’d be right behind you so basically you can never shake your mother love you. :-)

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