The most comforting thing happened to me tonight. I was in the bathroom when I heard banging. My first instinct was that Joe was hitting a large spoon against Tupperware as he put away the leftovers.
I wasn’t scared. I didn’t instantly feel like my life was just about to change, that someone was coming into my home to take away all that I know and love, including the person most important to me. My heart didn’t start racing, I didn’t freeze in the moment to strategize my exit plan. I calmly turned off the bathroom light and went back to the living room.
It turns out I’m done feeling that way… and I hope to never feel that way again.
But not that talk…
A few weeks ago, most likely after attending a wedding, Joe and I discussed our own future wedding plans. I stuck to my guns: 6/9/2018 and no sooner. He smiled and said “just let me know if anything changes.”
Well, maybe something has changed. As joyous as a 6/9 wedding date would be, I was reconsidering waiting 5 more years. Granted, 29 is a great age to get married, if he and I are still together (big IF!) (jk, I love him to death). There are probably two reasons for me wanting to wheel it in a little sooner – one, everyone is having babies and babies are super cute and I want one. But, having read one article 8 years ago about marriages lasting if they wait 5 years after marriage before having children, I’m committed to meeting that minimum. Two – I don’t know and I hate admitting this, but weddings are beautiful and I kind of just want that. Well, the wedding itself, but also having Joe be my husband. I mean, just kidding, I’m open to anyone being my husband.
I brought this up while making dinner tonight. “Joe, my timeline has shifted a bit and I’m not longer as gung-ho about the 6/9 date..” He played surprised for a reasonable amount of time and then said “you know… first, I wasn’t going to ever let you choose the date like that and figured I’d have some say when it came down to it. Second, I sensed your timeline was changing when I brought this up last time. So, let’s just say it’ll happen when we are both ready.”
And then I hate that. Because I hate the power being ripped from my hands and I like being the one always in control. But I also want to be surprised and it is that terrible space of like, you really want a surprise party but you are so damn excited for your birthday and no one else seems to be so you are all sad but then also super curious as to why no one cared and then you end up ruining your own party.
So I’ve started working more diligently on my business school applications. You can tell by the fact that I’m blogging. While I’m usually procrastinating blogging itself, it can also be a procrastination tool for other things. It depends on which I sense is more of a priority.
Anyway, I think I’ve narrowed down the list, mostly. My number one priority is applying to Stanford. I’ve visited, know I love it, and would be extremely excited to attend. The next tier that I’m applying to though are schools that I have yet to visit. This makes it a little more difficult because as I’m writing thoughtful essays, I like to envision myself being there. That’s hard when I’ve never been!
In that list is MIT, Berkeley, Tepper, and a couple others. I’m applying through the Consortium which not only makes the application process easier (basically like a common app for b-school) but includes the opportunity to be selected for a large fellowship. I don’t want to apply to too many schools though, I’d rather put more effort into a smaller number. That’s why I’m trying to see just the top four in person, and then maybe apply to a safety school or two.
Joe’s graduation reception for his master’s program was last night. Since we’ve transitioned from him being the student to me being the almost-student, he’s been super supportive. I explained that my most productive time is in the morning, so this whole week we’ve been getting up at 5 for me to get at least an hour in of application work before going off to work. And here I am… blogging.
A really good friend of mine recently got married. When she first told me she was engaged, I thought to myself “holy crap, aren’t you too young?” but I was happy for her if that was what she really wanted.
It was a rather quick engagement, so shortly after their engagement, we had the Bachelorette party. It was awesome. Hanging out with girlfriends and getting to wear cute dresses while doing silly things as directed by truth or dare… what could be better? So, I said “aww… I want to get married.” She was a good friend though and told me it isn’t wise to get married just because you want to have a bachelorette party…
After getting home from the BlogHer conference, I was super excited to see my friends. First, I was looking forward to being around females I actually like, but I hadn’t seen some people in years and I was really hyped to be reconnecting.
Then I realized that everyone was in the wedding party but me and I felt pretty alone. I think a lot of it was that I was already feeling alone from being at the conference and yearning for that connection. This was just another opportunity to be reminded that I don’t have a lot of close connections. At the end of the day, I definitely don’t blame my friend for not having me in her wedding… rather, I just wish I was close enough to someone to warrant the opportunity.. I think I’d be pretty good at it :)
So then came the actual wedding day. I was probably more nervous than the bride. It’s hard to explain why. I feel like maybe I was scared for her committing herself to one person for the rest of her life? Terrified for me for having someone my age and close to me get married? Worried that society would start telling me to get married? Maybe even a little nervous that I would cry at the wedding and show emotion to others? (I sure do hate that…)
I don’t know if I’ve just never paid attention during weddings or if nothing really sunk in because I was too young… but this one was different. The whole time they were saying their vows and stuff I was thinking “Holy shit, a wedding is forever and isn’t just about the big day…” Which again, was super scary and reminded me it’s probably something I’m not ready for. Yet, I couldn’t stop thinking how beautiful it was. I had never seen my friend happier and they both had this amazing glow that brightened the entire evening. I hope that one day, if I do get married, that people feel that from us.