Another 2k down

Excerpt from my book because everyone needs a teaser now and then.

I told that story during my freshman orientation in college. From then on, I was known to those on my dorm room floor as “poop girl.” Clearly not my best decision.

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Rabbit Holes

The last few days I’ve been writing feverishly. I’m in what I would call an all-out-attempt to write as much as I can before this month is over. I’ve even preemptively told Joe that instead of our date night being Friday this week (the last day of November) it would need to be Saturday.

This past weekend was lovely though. Joe didn’t have any school work to focus on so I mostly attached myself to him at the hip. Literally- I even helped him go to the bathroom. High five for crossing a new relationship line.

 

Yesterday I spent the day at a write-in at the library. I wrote about 4000 words, ranging from watching people OD on heroin to witnessing problems with alcohol abuse. This made the evening viewing of Denzel Washington’s Flight rather comical. For those of you who haven’t seen it, let’s just say it resonated with me.

As Joe and I were sitting outside of the theater for our friend to join us though, I was kind of in a crabby mood. I hadn’t eaten in a while and just not the most fun person to be around. Sometimes when I am writing, old emotions come back… So, to entertain ourselves, I read Joe excerpts of my diary from when I was in 7th grade. Because who doesn’t bring their 7th grade diary with them to the movie theater? Well, either way, it stirred up a lot of emotions, both in terms of my relationship issues and back when I was all suicidal and stuff. And then, all of a sudden, I stopped journalling for an entire year and don’t have record. I don’t remember what I felt entirely, but the few and far between entires are rather depressing.

In order to dig back up those thoughts, feelings, emotions, I decided to look into my old AIM logs. It took a while to find, but eventually I got the disk I had written everything to and Joe saved it for me because I do not have a disk drive anymore (because I live in the 21st century people). Because I am a horder, I have all conversations from about 2000 through 2006. Every person, every exchange. Let’s just say, I am allowing myself to go down a winding rabbit hole and who knows where it will lead. Its really a good thing I am such a pack rat though. I found an old mp3 file of the Rupert Intro Song. Good stuff, folks.

Anyway, I’m back on my desire to buy a condo. “Now is the time to buy” says everyone everywhere. And it probably is. So, I’ve told myself that I can buy one if I actually finish this book. And finish it I will.

Writing a book is not easy

It is my birthday and I am alone at Rock Bottom. I am kind of being an emo cat and I cannot figure out why. Maybe just because I was in a really long two hour meeting at the end of the day that didn’t go exactly as I had hoped. Maybe because it is my Birthday but I’m alone at the bar.

I don’t mean to be a whiney little bitch. I go to the bar alone quite often and usually really like it. And this time I even have Family Guy playing in the background which is really just enhancing the experience.

Joe woke me up at 5:30am to give me my birthday present because he had to be to work early. He got me a case of the Android Series 3 action figures!!! How awesome is that? They were exactly what I wanted and he even acted like he didn’t get them for me and secretly smirked when I gave him a little bit of crap for not getting it for me because it is what I really want. But then it was what he got for me because he is sneaky! Major improvement from last year… (luff yooouu!).

I came here to write. Which is technically what I am doing but I’m not actually making progress on my book, what I should be working on. It is like, day 97 of NaNoWriMo (also known as day 20), and I’m at less than 20k words. That averages at less than 1000 a day when my goal is supposed to be 1,667. If you have a failure stamp, I have a forehead that could use it.

SAD Burned

Last week, I got my SAD light box. It came in the mail. It actually should have been delivered to the apartment, but because the office is lame and has been closed recently on weekends, the delivery folks dropped it off at the FedEx down the street and I had to lug it all the way home and it was like, 23lbs and I was in heals. I made it without falling, but had shaky arms for hours because I am a weakling.

Anyway, the light box is pretty neat. The first time I used it was two days after I got it. I was all like, weirded out, about needing/wanting one. Then this awesome blogger that I follow tweeted this:

 

Which leads you here: You and Lucy and Me Make Three. It is a blog post about how SAD light boxes are totally awesome and made me feel happy enough to use it. Strange how that works, huh?

Well, then the weekend came and I missed two days. I should have used it this morning but forgot because it isn’t a part of my normal routine yet. So, I used it when I got home. Except then I sat in front of it for way too long because I didn’t have the need to go to work to pull me away. And now I’m sun burned (SAD burned?). I shit you not.

I’ll still use it because it is awesome and I love it, but I will just need to remember that some things that make me happy are best in moderation. Like crack. I’m kidding, I’ve never done crack.

I make lists. Here is one of things I am stressed out about.

Things I am stressed out about

  1. Money
    • Lack of it. Especially around Christmas time. Plus, I went shopping this weekend and maybe shouldn’t have. But it was fun and good retail therapy while the high lasted. Now I just have the guilt. I’ll return the shoes most likely. The sweater is really cute.
  2. Work
    • Not busy enough. Things were better last week and are hopefully good this week, but still. Sometimes I’ll read a tweet about a company I’m interested in out in San Francisco and I’m mad that I’m stuck here in MN. But, not really mad because I know I will get to leave as soon as Joe is done with school and I’m being a supportive girlfriend.
  3. The party
    • Cleaning. This house isn’t like, bad, but just the typical stuff like vacuuming and what not before people come over. And I kind of want to do laundry, but I bet people that are coming over for our birthday party won’t care if there are dirty clothes in the hamper.
    • Shopping for supplies. Both food and drinks. And figuring out the deets on how I want to decorate. I have most of the stuff figured out and I know what I’m going to get and what not, but this week is a busy week for Joe (I just found out he has a paper due Saturday night… how stupid is that?) so I’m left to do most of the stuff on my own. Like shopping.
  4. Writing
    • I’m super far behind on NaNoWriMo
    • I have stuff to do for my memoir class too, which isn’t until later this week but I’m still allowing myself to be stressed about it
  5. My weight
    • I’ve been feeling like a fatty lately
    • My weight isn’t up, but I just am not as muscular as I once was. I should be working out more, but a gym membership costs money and I’m probably too lazy to do it anyway
  6. Losing stuff
    • I can’t find my skewers. It isn’t a huge deal and I can just go buy some more at Target, but where the heck did they go? I’ve checked seriously everywhere.
    • I also can’t find my glow sticks. I’m less concerned about this one because I wasn’t sure if I had kept them anyway, but now instead of inserting awesome glow sticks into self-blown balloons, I’ll probably just get a couple dozen helium balloons. Except, those cost money.
    • While I was down in my storage unit looking for skewers and sticks and bringing back down Halloween decorations, I found a box that something had spilled all over inside of. The box was filled with cards and memorable newspapers, and pictures too. Not to mention my Mary-Kate and Ashley video games and dolls. Those have more or less survived though, thank god.
  7. Watching too much TV
    • I got rid of my TV for a reason, and things were fine then. No, that is a lie, things weren’t necessarily better but at least I didn’t have a TV. Now I watch TV and I’m having a hard time figuring how much is normal and how much is the line of me turning into a sack of potatoes.

Making lists makes me feel better. I will stop crying now.

Bar Food for Thought

I’m at the bar now. This isn’t the revolutionary part. I’m actually sitting in the middle of two couples on dates.

To the left, a man and a woman in their mid-thirties are enjoying their first date. I know it is the first because they have reviewed the man’s children’s names and ages. They talked about the small towns they went to for college and where their lives have taken them since. They have been sitting here longer than me (which is about ~2000 words worth of time) and are having what seems to me, a very pleasant date.

To my right, a couple closer in age to Joe and I sit. They are definitely in their twenties and only came in maybe a half hour ago. They have okay chemistry, but the guy is a douche and I’d like them to leave. Although he did pay, he took multiple phone calls and even checked his phone when the alert was just “eBay.” Conversation between them has been constant, but also rather drab and lacking of energy. It seems like they are just another date where he doesn’t fully treat her as he should and she takes it because she lacks the confidence to do anything different.

I understand the assumptions I’m making. I see that they are… a bit critical maybe. However, I just got out of my memoir class and I’m documenting the world around me as I see it.

I developed a crush on my bartender as soon as I got here. One of the only workers around, I just assumed she was the owner. She carries herself in a confidence that shows both comfort and proudness. I over heard that she has worked her for six years, since the place opened, and I was convinced she opened the place. However, when I asked her if they had a twitter handle she shrugged and said “I’d have to ask the owner.” So much inside of me deflated in that single statement.

I have nothing more substantial to add. These are just my perceptions of life.

P.S. I just picked the shit out of my lip and now my wine tastes like blood.

Thoughts on a plane

There isn’t much better in life than sitting on a plane, in first class that wasn’t paid for, sipping a blue moon in a glass, typing away on a MacBook Air, headed home after a really, really great weekend visiting a business school.

I had such an amazing weekend at Tepper. I met fascinating people, was inspired by the quality of peers I would have, and discovered a school I would have otherwise overlooked.

There are a lot of things that struck me the right way about Tepper. First, they place a great deal of emphasis on leadership qualities. I couldn’t really care less about product management – I want to lead and inspire others. They seem to embrace that. Next, Tepper is a really small school and reminds me a lot of Macalester. Even though each class has less than half that at Macalester, they place a lot of focus on clubs, extra curriculars, and volunteer work. Today, someone emphasized that it doesn’t matter if you have a 4.0 GPA if that’s all you’ve done. They are interested in rounded individuals and well, that’s exactly what I am!

Another thing that stood out to me is that I never felt intimidated. The other participants in the Diversity Weekend were great, but I felt on level with them rather than beneath. I remember over the summer when I felt intimidated by others. I don’t think the caliber of the students has changed though. I think the environment did. By not being at a competitive school where everyone is in it for themselves, I think I would really be able to form strong connections to people that I would one day want to work with. I think I’ve said this before but the benefit I’m really hoping to get out of business school is the network. The classes will be great and there are a lot of other components to business school that are appealing to me, but the people are what make the greatest impact on my day to day, and life to come.

Possibly most importantly, I learned about the Consortium program. This program, that has 17 member universities and over 80 corporate sponsors, gives applicants the ability to use a common application as well as apply for a fellowship. What I’m trying to say here is that if I were to get into one of the business schools within the Consortium, I could feasibly get a full ride tuition scholarship. I shit you not.

I think I’ve suggested my willingness to take out ~200k in loans in order to fund my MBA. I’m open to this not only because I’m crazy, but also because I understand my potential and known it’s a drop in the bucket compared to what I can earn in the future. So, when someone suggests that I wouldn’t have to take out these loans, or at least not the full amount, I’m like, “holy crap, it’s as if I’ve won the lottery.” When I first heard this I was like “omg, instead of paying for business school now I can just get a Maserati” [Holla T-swiz. Love the reference on your latest album!]. To which she responded “or like, 5 Toyotas, then you could give the excess to charity…” I didn’t say what I was thinking, but “hun, you and I are different people.” Don’t get me wrong, I give to nonprofits all the time. Macalester just hit me up the other weekend to increase my monthly donation (finally… I had been telling them for months that I just needed a call and I would increase…). But I also really want a Maserati. Specially, this one:

Anyway, this flight is out of Blue Moon now and I’m a little bummed. However, I gave Maggie shit about it and she took it like a champ, which makes all in the world alright. Then I asked her to marry me. She was recently divorced and can’t technically get married until after December, which I’m a little wary about because I don’t actually know the politics of divorce. However, she did politely decline by saying that her boyfriend Ryan would not approve. I at least gave her all 4 of my business cards though and she said she would send me an email. I hope she does. Less than three.

P.S. I now know why they don’t typically service glass on a plane. The lush in front of me just flung his across the aisle.

Alcohol and Interviews may not mix well

I don’t know when I will learn that I should not be going to interviews with alcohol in my system. Although it has never turned out poorly, I’m über nervous and hyper-sensitive about it. Take my former job as an example. I had a phone interview, for which I was a little nervous. I figured, that because I’m a better date while having a drink I would also be a better interviewer. Afterwards, I could safely say that was untrue. Not only does sarcasm not bode well over the phone, it probably has no place in a job interview.

A more recent example (and the reason I’m writing this post) is an interview I had for a fellowship I was a candidate for. The interview was at 7pm, and I had a team happy hour at 4:30. More than enough time to go an have a drink or two, especially when we also got appetizers, right? Wrong. Whether or not my actual performance was impacted I’m not sure… I’m going to guess not because I feel like it went well and I conveyed my strengths flawlessly. However… I knew about it. I knew I had had a drink and therefore was maybe not top notch. I also was worried that they could smell it on my breath and would be turned off by that.

I’ll ultimately wasn’t chosen for the fellowship, and even though their excuse was that I was overqualified, hopefully I can learn from this experience.

Smitten with the Mellon

It’s hard for me to equate this specific experience of doing a business school visit to dating [see Business School = Online Dating]. Before coming here, I barely knew anything about Tepper, and yet, because they offered me a place to stay I flew half way across the country to get to know them. This is something you should never do when dating, or at least, is something I never did.

I only knew a little about Tepper and that was solely what I’d read online. I didn’t have any first hand experiences with them, other than the emails that they send me (which for a while there, were actually annoying and boarderline stalkerish – 4 a day, 7 in a week). Had it been a man, the emails definitely would have been a bright red flag that would have thwarted any visitation consideration.

Yet, here I am, smack dab outside of Pittsburgh with a group of 59 other prospective students. And, truth be told, this weekend couldn’t be going any better had I planned it myself.

Walking in, I was a little weary, but also kind of tired slash not really concerned too much. There wasn’t any nervous anticipation, what I might feel walking up to Stanford. By having no preconceived notions on the school, I put myself in a complete state of indifference. Shit, if things didn’t work out, at least I got to meet some interesting people and experience a weekend in a new place. Nothing to lose, no worries going in.

But, then things starting going really well. The first table I chose was three guys. I can’t imagine myself choosing any other, and I sat right across from a hottie. It was nice because he was a second year, but given when I want to start business school, him and I were similar in the number of years of experience beforehand. He also had a strong mathematical mind, and basically made me feel like the analytical side of Tepper was something that would really resonate with my skill set. Plus, he started a sentence with “well, if you get in…” and I’m like “hold up, I’m not concerned about that” to which he stated that he appreciated my modesty ;)

Turns out, this place is actually quite ripe with start-up companies and an entrepreneurial mindset. There are tons of tech companies in the area, many of which were started by Tepper Alum. Also, the school has a strong technology focus which is something that I am definitely interested in.

Also, it’s tiny. We were at the weekly Beers Social (I shit you not, the school funds a weekly beer social hour, complete with food) when I found a group of guys to chat with. I was standing in the corner like the awkward newb I was, when one came up and said “hey, are you a prospective?” We were getting the initial introduction-y stuff out of the way, when I told them I was from Minnesota. They were like “you gotta meet Chang!” introduced me to him, and it turns out there are 4 current students at Tepper who are from Minnesota. I have now met them all.

So, in short, small school, close community, some folks raved about the partners program and I talked to a few people who had come to Pittsburgh with their partner, which was awesome because they only had nice things to say. Good tech focus, tons of small start-ups in the area… let’s just say, I’m not ruling it out yet.

NaNoWriMo, Day 1

Day one of both NaNoWriMo and my memoir class and I’ve already made the tears flow; in public nonetheless. I’m chilling out at Open Book downtown, where my class took place (it’s through the Loft Literary Center). I felt it would be an inspirational place to continue the writing, so I find myself perched at a table. I have to write 1667 words tonight (of an actual book, meaning, this doesn’t even count!) to meet my day 1 requirement for NaNoWriMo (which stands for National Novel Writing Month and takes place every November. The goal is to write 50k words by the end). I’m not writing a novel, because I don’t believe in fiction. I’m using it as a structured force to write my memoir. The fact that today was the first day of my class was just a coincidence .. I like the ways things tend to fall together for me.

The tears came from what I was writing. In terms of the book, I’m at the point in my life where I had lice one summer. My mom sent me a care package because I was staying with family at the time and they agreed to keep me so my mom didn’t have to deal with the lice. Except, the care package made me miss her so bad that I made her drive out to see me that exact same day. I still feel guilty about the money she spent on shipping the package when I had her drive out anyway.

The class so far is fantastic though. Usually I get bored by people and don’t like to come back to things like that. However, there are reading assignments and writing that we have to do before the next class, both of which I’m excited about.

Further, the people in the class are perfect. None are intimidating to me, in a good way. I feel comfortable, like I bring my own strengths to the group, similar to how I felt at She’s Geeky. While some people have really awesome stories, experiences and educations, I also feel content in having my story be my own. I’m also intrigued by the stories of others and am looking forward to being inspired by them.

Tomorrow I am flying out to Pittsburgh to visit Tepper Business School.. I’ll let you know all about it ;) Also, I’m writing sober right now. High five for that.