I worry about the connections I am making. I’ve realized over the last few years that I have a tendency to procrastinate my involvement. For example, I’ve been living in Minneapolis for over a year now, and I’m just recently finding the communities that I really connect with. The same thing can be found when you look into any slice of my life.
This is what made changing schools so often so hard. Before high school, I never went to a school for more than two years. The first year was made attempting to make friends, and well, sadly, the next year was spent losing them. The first time I really broke out of this bubble was in high school when I began my involvement with the student yearbook and volunteered at various places around town. By senior year, I real felt like I hit my groove. I was earning all A’s, compared to the C’s and B’s I got in 9th grade. I excel when I have the opportunities to lead, help others, and learn. Why can’t I find these opportunities right away? Same thing happened in college – not too much that I am proud of from my first year, but by second year and beyond I really made my mark on campus. And that, my friends, is the true value in any experience. Looking back and knowing that I brought students together for the Winter Ball, and that I sat on student government for two years, really makes me proud of my time at Macalester.
Now, I’m falling into my niche in Minneapolis. Work is going well, I’m enjoying the projects I am working on. I’m getting more involved though Girls in Tech and other local tech orgs; I’m volunteering with programs that really make me feel like I’m giving back (the Reading Corps, and Meals for Minds). I’m getting out there and going to blogging conferences and being less nervous about leaving the house and being who I want to be, and who I am.
So, what happens when I decide to uproot myself and go to Stanford? Did it take me a while to fall into a groove here due to the nature of my rotational program at work? Was it having so many new experiences with my friends and family being distant? Am I in a better position for change now that I have Joe by my side? What if I don’t have Joe by my side when I go to Stanford? Obviously I’ll be so busy I’ll barely notice (luff you!) but will I still face the same set back of a year in order to get myself acquainted with the people and community?
What if a year from now my comfort dissuades me from even applying? Will I find myself so entwined that I no longer entertain the idea of leaving? No, I sure as hell hope not. But, I also am dreading the day I no longer believe I can change the world. When this day will face me, no one can say.