Dreams can come true

So last night I could not get to sleep. I did a GMAT practice test after work and pretty much nailed it. Getting a score so high caused me to think of all the things that could happen if I actually scored that high on the real GMAT. And just when I had finally begun considering Carlson…

Which business school to attend has been an internal debate for a while. Say I get into somewhere like Booth, I have the option to either leave my job and leave the state for a few years to get my MBA, or remain in MN, go to Carlson and keep my job. There are pros/cons to each, which I have talked about extensively in all my MBA posts, but the gist is this: if I plan on settling down in Minnesota anyway, it would be a lot more beneficial for me to stay in MN, continue to expand my network and get my MBA from Carlson. Therefore, the only reason to go to another school is if 1) it is really awesome and 2) I want to live somewhere else for a while. As of Sunday, I had mostly decided that MN would be a better option.

Then a high score happened. As I was lying in bed last night I remembered back to a car ride when I was 13. I was sitting in the back seat, my mom and her friend Susan were in the front. We had just left my house and were crossing the bridge near the end of my driveway, on the way to meet a “client.” My mom and Susan were discussing whether they should begin selling pictures of me online to men that pay me to dress up in different outfits. Their logic concluded that because I would always be dressed, there was nothing perverted about it. The idea was ultimately vetoed, but I remember sitting in the back seat thinking that it wouldn’t be a smart venture for me to be involved with if I were going to get my MBA from Harvard and be a CEO.

I’m not saying this thought has prevailed my every decision (sadly), but it is one of those things that I have always said. You know, the sure things that you just know (feel in your gut) and never consider not to be a possibility, until they don’t happen but then it is still okay. (Self fulfilling prophecies?)

My list of sure things:

  1. I was reincarnated from a woman who was killed in the Great Chicago Fire. I think I had been claiming this before I even realized what, when, or where that happened.
  2. I’d go to Macalester.
  3. I would live in an awesome apartment downtown while working my awesome corporate job right after college (I even knew I’d have a dog named Chrome!).
  4. I’ll never get married and I’ll be a spinster without cats.
  5. I’ll go to Harvard for my MBA.
  6. I’ll be CEO of some company and give tons of money to tons of people/orgs after buying my penthouse apt.
  7. I’ll write a memoir.
  8. I’ll die too young from breast cancer.

True or not, those are just random things about me. You can imagine how, after nearly taking Harvard off my list of possibilities, it was exciting to revisit the idea of what that would do to my life. Life on the east coast? Meet some of the most fascinating and influential people ever? My resume stating: Education: Harvard Business School, MBA.

Mih, this girl’s gotta dream… eventually I took a Benedryl and went to sleep.

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Reasons I’m not going to Jamaica

So, Hanson, my favorite band in the entire world, is going to do a week-long concert tour/celebration in Jamaica. However, I will not be joining them. This is the saddest thing since sliced bread (that may not be the saying… but you get the gist).

  1. The trip costs $1500/person, not including airfare. This means that for Joe and I to go, it would cost us each just under $2k. Yet, we only have $500 each in our travel fund, so… this was a point of contention.
  2. I totally would have taken out a loan for this (graaannndddmmaa?) but when Joe said no, I no longer had anyone to go with me. Convincing recent college grads/a cousins that just bought a car is more difficult than it has any right to be.
  3. They sold out. How stupid is that? They weren’t even on sale for a week and now they are all gone. I was hoping to continue working Joe for this… thinking I could leverage both my raise (that was announced today) and my future winnings from the NCAA tourney (TBD.. $500 cause I’m lucky?).

Well, I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. I hope that all the lucky gals who are going enjoy tie dying with Zac and mixing cocktails with Taylor… teardrop.

And so it begins

So I revived my twitter account this morning; what next, heroin? (Reference to when I got a tattoo at 18 and my mom screamed this at me) The revival stemmed from me looking into getting my Ph.D and then stumbling upon this girl who I realized actually could be my heroine. She is getting her Ph.D at Oxford and seems pretty awesome. I wanted to follow her, so I realized I needed a twitter account. Now I think I’m following like, 5 people, 3 of whom are Twins fans because I’m a lame face and went straight to Joe’s page to find people to follow.

Balls

So for a while now, I have been on a committee at work that helps design productive working environments. Through this, I’ve been researching what a lot of companies do, from designs enhancing collaborations tools, to altering office furniture to promote a healthier lifestyle. Today I really considered what having a ball as my chair would do.

I grew up with a few balls. They were always my favorite toys (other than the wheelchair, of course). I would use them as my mode of transportation, pushing the ball a bit forward from the back each time I bounced up. I even had some awesome tricks I could do, like standing on the ball and baton twirling (not at the same time, sadly) and such…

Sometime during my high school years, my mom got a larger ball to help her with back pains. This was a bigger ball than I had ever had before, but I was also getting a little old for the fad (aka, didn’t have enough energy to bounce around on it all day).

Now though, I consider what my work-life would look life if I had one at my desk (and not one of those silly balls that comes in a chair, but just an old fashion free standing ball). I think I would be the happiest person in the world. Happier than I already am, which is saying a lot, because I’m pretty happy (except when I’m sad… or, maybe even when I am sad, who knows). Anyway, I could sit and bounce and have fun and be über productive because I would love sitting in my chair so much! I’m also thinking of convincing Joe that we should get one for our computer chair back home. Anything would be better than the crap-shit chair he has (yes, I said it!).

Oh, the games we play…

So I submitted my Booth Summer Scholars application a couple weeks ago. They projected that I would hear back towards the end of March, which just so happens to also be when I am scheduled to take the GMAT. Seeing as I’ve known myself for roughly 23 years, I can safely say that I would lose motivation in, and interest for the GMAT, were I to be rejected just prior to taking the test. Therefore, I figured out a way to fool the system (the system being my head).

First, this is something I’ve always aspired to do. The problem being, I have never known the correct people to team up with. The trick is to plant some type of work-around. In the past, I’ve thought about having people intercept phone calls or mail and not tell me until after a predetermined time. However, I’ve never been able to trust the people around me to be successful with this. I’m a hard person to fool, which means not only can I never have a surprise party (even though I would love one!) but I pick up on little things about people lying to me. Therefore, someone has to be highly skilled at the art of deception for this to work.

Insert Joe! Joe is an equally perceptive person and I thought he would be perfect for my little scheme. He knows what types of things I can pick up on and therefore is able to avoid them (that’s the idea, at least). Here’s the game plan: Joe checks my mail every day and doesn’t tell me if the letter from Booth came. If it does come, he is to open it up and keep whatever it says a secret, unless of course they are requiring some type of acknowledgement by a certain time. I also have a filter set up on my Gmail account to automatically forward any emails containing the word “Booth” to him, having them skip the inbox and get marked as read immediately (a little trick I used back during college for professors…).

Fool proof plan, right? Wrong… (or is it..?). Last night was day 2 of Joe checking my mail. He came upstairs, weirdly looked into his briefcase and then made it look like he was looking at papers (“oh.. this is just my FAFSA”). Instantly I was assured that the letter had come and he was hiding it in his bag. I couldn’t stop thinking about it, and ideas of how to trick him into telling me kept popping in my head. But wasn’t the idea not to know? This also caused me to feel bad about his deception skills…

Today I realized though, he probably was just throwing me off track. If I think the letter already came then I won’t think about it. OR, if he conditions me to think that each day that he checks the mail he also goes into his briefcase, then it’s probably just so I won’t realize a difference when the letter actually does come. Either way, I know nothing more than I did yesterday and I think I just need more evidence.

[Joe: You are not to comment to me in person re: any of this blog post. Any reaction is a tell and you know that.]

Settling?

So this morning I took a practice GMAT test at the actual testing site. Basically I sucked balls on it even though I felt awesome and prepared going in, I was well rested, ate a nutritious breakfast, etc. I’m extremely disappointed and all I can think about is how that if I don’t score well enough, this will be the first time I’ve really wanted something and then failed at it.

Well, maybe. I didn’t get into Harvard for undergrad, although I didn’t try that hard at it either. By the time I looked at schools I knew that Macalester was where I wanted to be. So, I guess that may count as a success, who knows.

There were a few times at Macalester where I didn’t get the grade that I desired in a class (ha, more than a few…). But, I don’t know if that counts as me trying my absolute hardest. I think it actually does. I put balls into some of my papers and would still only get a B. After trying that so many times I just ended up deflated and gave up trying as hard.

Which is what I don’t want to happen here! I don’t want to start thinking that just because I got one terrible score that all my scores will be terrible from here on out. If I just roll over and accept my back up option as my only option, then, well, that’s just silly and I deserve it. Yet, I still keep asking myself if I will be able to live with myself if I end up going to my back up. I know that without a doubt I want my MBA from somewhere, but I truly believe that the where matters. I’m pretty sure Joe will still love me the same (maybe more, because he won’t have to move with me anywhere), but what matters the most is how I feel about it myself. And that’s the question I don’t know how to answer.

I still have 18 days before the actual exam… I know I can do this! (Hopefully! :-/ )

An old friend

So I was leaving my psychologist’s office this morning, when, out of nowhere, I ran into my roommate from college! We lived together during junior year, but didn’t see too much of each other. He was always at his girlfriend’s and I was a busy person. We were really good friends before that though, I remember first meeting him during first year when I was kind of into his friend and I brought one of my friends along because the guy I was into was bringing his friend. Nothing ever came of that guy (turns out he had a girlfriend who didn’t like us making out on occasion); but his “friend” (they only hung out that one night) has been one of my good friends ever since!

I can understand that running into a friend isn’t all that shocking. However, he lives in Tennessee and I haven’t seen him since graduation a year ago. It was really lovely to run into him- I gave him a huge hug and asked if we could hang out before he went back to Tennessee.

As I continued my walk to work, I began thinking of all the people who have had really meaningful places in my life in the past, but for one reason or another, have fallen away. It makes me sad. It makes me grateful that these people were once in my life even though they aren’t anymore. It makes me want to reconnect with them and hope that things are the same. It makes me want to reach out to Drew and Mollie and all my other awesome, amazing friends over the years and continue my relationships with them.

Then reality kicks in. I’m back at work and realize that life is finite. I’d love to fly to Colorado and North Carolina and then to D.C. too, but the truth is I have work and not enough money, and I think I would miss Joe. Isn’t that lame? I don’t want to start traversing the country without him! I want him with me because he is awesome and a new part of my life that I want to share with the old parts.

But, either way, I’m at work now and have things to do- I can’t be dreaming about gallivanting all over the world and stuff.

Business School

So I’ve been studying for the GMAT a lot these last few weeks. It’s going well, I just didn’t expect this Kaplan class to be so time-consuming! I spend about ~20hrs/week taking the classes, practice tests and doing the homework. In some ways it is a lot of fun, especially when I take a practice test and see that my score has improved.

In a lot of other ways, it is kind of a hassle. I get a little annoyed when I am doing work when I could be watching TV or something more enjoyable with Joe. I always have super bad ADHD when I’m sitting at his desk, taking the class online or something- Joe gets a little annoyed with it (as do I). At least when I am doing the class online though I can act up a little bit and not put so much effort into making sure I am quiet and still. This leaves more capacity for paying attention.

Last week Joe and I went to the Booth roadshow. I loved every single thing about it. The location, the caliber of students, the variety in classroom environments, and the extra curricular activities. I really, really think that it’s the school for me. Which is absolutely exciting! At the same time though, they talk about how much hard work it is and one girl was there who was married when she started and wasn’t wearing a ring at the info session, so, I can only conclude that going to Booth leads to divorce. When I am frustrated with my GMAT class taking up so much time and it is only a 1 month commitment, what am I thinking, thinking that 3.5 years of grad school would be a great idea? However, having my MBA would be bad ass. I like that material. I like the networking. It is on my bucket list of things to achieve. And, go hard or go home right? Why not go to a top-10 if I can?

Dropped salads

So sometimes I just feel really sad about things that have nothing to do with me. For example, I was at work, walking past the cafeteria. I heard a crash come from behind me and I looked to see that a woman had dropped her lunch! Her entire salad went down and there was a big mess on the floor. I literally had to fight back tears because I felt so bad for her! I can only imagine how embarrassed and disappointed she was… Not to mention the person who has to clean it up and the others who saw it happen as well.

Another example is this morning in my bedroom I looked out the window and watched someone slip on the ice. She wasn’t even a young woman and I really hope she didn’t get hurt at all.

I don’t know why I concern myself with these things. Maybe I think that because I am going to be sad either way that I might as well have something tangible to be sad about? It is frustrating to feel sad when I really have no reason to be. Pretty much my life is great and I’m “happy,” but not in the emotional sense. I don’t feel like anything is missing per say, except for some sun maybe. So why do I feel this way? Other than dropped salads and fallen women of course.