So last Friday, I went back to Macalester to speak on a panel for the Women in Economics club. I explained to them, back when the asked, that I was not indeed an econ major, but they wanted me anyway. I always like going back for things, so I agreed.
I got to campus a couple hours early- just enough time to walk around and to say “hi” to a few people I know and then meet up with my buddy for a drink. I hadn’t seen her in a super long time, so it was very lovely to catch up. I explained that I’m doing really well- complained a bit about my mom, but said that over all my life is amazing. I’m considering going back to school for my MBA, I have a rockstar boyfriend and a kick-ass apartment- nothing really could get better. Yet, I also had to explain to her that there are still days where I cannot make myself get out of bed and I still just want to cry.
The hardest part is how these statements are both so correct yet so conflicting. As I’m feeling sad and immobile, I become even more down because I have no reason to be. I’ve been losing weight, which I’m really proud of (down 29lbs total!). Things are going well at work, but still I don’t feel… happy all the time. I miss my old spunky self that was cheery and bouncing off the walls.
I can’t tell how necessarily, but I notice that it’s also affecting my relationships with other people. I have two explanations for this. 1) I am not as happy of a person and they can read this on my face and therefore aren’t as warm as they typically are or 2) I take everyday stress really personally and when they are just saying “hi” like normal, I read way to much into it and think that they hate me.
My therapist thinks that one of the reasons I may be “prickly” to some people, is because growing up I never wanted to let anyone get too close. This could mean any number of things- I might start to share things (personal things) with them, they would want to come over and play, or I put them in a position where they were able to disappoint me.
I need to learn how to not rub people the wrong way I think. Or, I need to learn that I actually don’t rub people the wrong way. Not sure which is true.