90 Day Review

So apparently the trick is just to use the word vagina in my posts. It’s awesome(sauce) that my number of page views increased so much after that last one. I could get the hang of this blogging thing.

Anyway, my 90 day review was yesterday. I was nervous as shit for it. I actually took Ibuprofen beforehand because I thought that that would make the truth hurt less. It did not.

I got to the meeting room before my manager- I hate being late. Which just left me alone in a room to psych myself out even harder. I was flipping back and forth between “I’m getting fired” and “I’m getting a raise,” neither of which were really that rational. I even had time to write a little beforehand, which was the only thing that could really take me out of my own head.

Brr, it’s cold in here. They must try to distract me. At least now the dreams where I can’t tell time and I’m 45 minutes late are over. I thought I was being followed by an undercover security agent for when the fired me, so I made small talk with him so he would feel bad and be on my side. (He ended up walking away)

On the flip side, I’m only feet from a garbage for when I need to puke, which I feel very close to doing. I’m shaking and am probably an unnatural color- red or

I was probably going to say white, but my manager walked in. He tried to lighten things up by starting with his favorite probability problem- this just put pressure on me and didn’t really help lighten anything at all. Not the typical result from a math problem, but oh well, we can’t win them all.

He placed the report card just to my right. I tried not to look at it, too scared to see what it said. I tried to focus back to when I saw it without any check marks, so I would automatically know what I was receiving without having to read anything- just glance. This didn’t really work too well, and my manager just kept gesturing to it, so I knew I ultimately needed to look down and just read the damn thing.

There were three boxes next to each descriptor. “Meets Expectations,” “Does Not Meet Expectations,” and “Don’t Know/Did Not Observe.” I received a check mark in the first box for every category, except Manages Talent and Strategizes, which my manager marked “Don’t Know/Did Not Observe.” That’s fine. I don’t manage talent, and probably haven’t been given any projects where I can really show my ability to be strategic.

My opportunities are to improve my written communication by recognizing my audience, and to seek out more challenges. Both are probably true. So, I stayed late at work to get a ton of shit done- which was surprising to me for a couple reasons.

  1. I never take feedback well. I had assumed that I would need to leave work directly after the meeting and start drinking. I surprisingly didn’t even drink at all last night! (Either out of sorrow or celebration).
  2. I don’t remember the last time I was at work past 5 or worked on something for so long. I somehow was able to focus on what I needed to do and just got it done. Usually I sit and think about doing it, think about how much time I have, and if it is too little time, I fuck around because I don’t want to start something I cannot finish. If I have too much time I fuck around for a little bit because I would rather feel the pressure of having just enough time. But this opens myself up to the opportunity of becoming lost in whatever fuck-around-task I’ve found, and then at the end I don’t have enough time to do what I originally had too much time for. Urgle.

Afterwards I realized I clearly didn’t have too much to worry about, but actually still kind of appreciated the fear that I felt beforehand. I’m not in any position where I can be walking into a review meeting without that fear- maybe someday. Maybe someday when I own the company I won’t have reviews anymore, that will be nice. But, then I guess my reviews will just come in different mediums, such as from other CEOs or news people. Urgle burgle.

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